Our guest today has experienced grief in many ways over her lifetime so far, including the most recent event of losing her only child. Listen to this 2 part series.
"We heal the planet by not keeping it to ourselves, it is by sharing."- Tracy
Tracy Houchins, of Sacred Healing Hands Wellness Studio, a Wellness Catalyst, is an ICRT licensed and certified, a reiki master teacher and practitioner, certified soul coach and past life coach. With a history of drug addiction, and raising a child who suffered from major depression at a young age, we share with you in part 1 of a 2 part series, her openness, reflection and experiences with you on real love, big love, imperfect but perfect love for a child and yourself.
Part 1: Loving (released 9/4/16)
Listen below or on itunes channel True Conversations LLC
Part 2: Lessons and Leaning In to What is Next (released 9/101/6)
Host's note: The production of this podcast was completely conducted by a higher power. I am grateful for Tracy's willingness to talk with me when the idea to talk with her about something, we did not know what, just popped into my heart. What she also did not know was as she was speaking I was literally reading my questions I had not asked and yet there she was answering them. This is the first podcast that contains music and segments "Quote of the Week" and "From around the world". This production stretched ME in every way and has been a catalyst to honoring these brave story sharers through True Conversations in the professional and quality manner they so deserve. Sincerely, Meghan Enriquez
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Part 1: Transcript Summary
Tracy: There will be a certain sense of authority of that journey of traveling as a mom who has lost their only child.
Meghan: There are so many different places in the journey of motherhood where we grieve. I was shocked at the beginning. The grieving at the beginning of welcoming this life into yours and having to let go of this existence you had prior.
Tracy: There is a an energetic shift that takes place from before the conception, the energy has been moving, it has been moving since the soul contract has been signed.
I had shared with you that I have traveled 30 years in addiction and by the grace of god and miracles that have abound for my path 17 years ago I found recovery but Chelsi happened in the midst of it. I was very conscious that I was feeling grown up enough to have her. My husband and I at the time, he and I consciously decided to have a family. That meant that I had to put the things that were most important to me in my life, the next high, aside, and it is interesting how we can do that for another being. But the healing doesn’t happen when we do it for someone else, it only happens when we do it for ourselves. In retrospect I can really see the divine synchronicity, the divine choreography of her coming in when she did. 4 1/ months in I had been diagnosed with placenta previa and was in bed rest, and we hemorrhaged two more times, the final time on the morning of our scheduled cesarean. With that event it became an emergency situation and they had to knock me out and it was four hours later that I was conscious enough that I was able to hold her. It was something I really felt ready for.
Meghan: How did love change for you when you became a mother? Was your expectation of what love should have been was that met right away?
Tracy: Love is such a huge word, because there are so many concepts of what love is and a lot of us have distortions of what love really is, and that is part of our spiritual path and to have this distortion and it comes from our parents and what we had contracted for them to do for us in the way of love and on behalf of love.. I truly had a huge distortion of what love was. By the way I hopped right back on my addictive train, the drug of choice was alcohol, that was part of our journey together. With that the aspects of an addict, it was the largest stepping stone of my life, in the midst of it was difficult to understand what love was. By doing, for my daughter, I thought that was what love was. I lived in a world of perfectionism passed on by many generations and so that added to the distortion of what love was. Trying to be the best version of a mom that I understood of myself that I needed to be. Love showed up as me over doing, it showed up as me projecting, the genetics of the illusion of perfectionism onto her, so she had her own distortions to work out. That did become a life path for her. It all starts from within if you don’t know what it means to truly love yourself you are not able to pass that on. We are already perfect as we are, it is up to us to acknowledge it.
Meghan: What do you think were the lessons that she was placed here for, in order for you to grow your own soul?
Tracy: One of the things I learned from being Chelsi’s mom was I tapped into what real love was, the first time, I laid eyes on her and held her.
Meghan: What did that feel like?
Tracy: It is hard to explain what it felt like back then because I had no concept of spirituality back then. She was 9 when I got sober. But if I were to try and put it into words today it was almost as it there was another chamber in my energy system to open up and reveal this high frequency vibration that pulls me forward. I do know that through the process of the pregnancy and dramatic birth and her amazing journey there was a lot of opportunity to stretch and expand that chamber. It felt like a space had opened within me. So with each lesson we went through each experience, each heart ache, all of the suffering that I witnessed was an opportunity to expand within me on behalf of her.
More... listen to the recording for the remainder of this true conversation.
Part 2 Transcript Summary:
M: So you personally now stepped out into this whole new journey, how did your connection about spirituality change? How did you get to having no spirituality to where you are now?
T: So I came from a catholic upbringing and a church goer and then one Sunday morning I saw something I didn’t like. I was already stepping into my addictive path too. It had to do with the poor box. An usher pointing to the poor box as he is gesturing to a homeless man almost as an admission fee and the man showed his empty pockets and the usher looked at him with distain and it seemed like such a lack of compassion and love and I decided I didn’t want to be a part of that anymore. In my place of all or nothing because that is what I lived in at the time. I like to visit church when I am traveling. But that is when I lost connection to any religious concepts. That was when I was 16. Then I traveled another 10 serious years, with a 2 year long cocaine addiction in my 20s, I knew that there was something… because I was sure that there was something. If there wasn’t something watching over me I would have been more physically and sexually abused than I had been or would have been in jail. Someone once said, “Religion is for people who believe in hell and spirituality is for people who have been to hell and back. “ Reiki is really what got me connected to the concept of universal divine love and the energy of who we are is eternal and forever, the body is just the container that allows us to the privilege to allow us to experience this lifetime.
M: After Chelsi passed away I imagine this big life moment has called upon, how has this process really been? i am sure for people who have a lot of tools to use when these devastating moments happen you may feel like throwing all of your tools out the window because they just aren’t enough. What has your experience been like, what has been working or helping, and what do you just kind of say f you to?
T: Oh there have been some f bombs dropped, a lot of them. For years I have had visions exactly what happened at our front door of police officers at our front door, seeing my husband’s back knowing he is receiving information that is devastating related to Chelsi. It wasn’t until that morning that I realized that the visions had grounded itself. Sometimes in awakening dreams, in meditation, it would randomly pop into my head. Six months before she died I was sound asleep and I woke up at 3am and I shot out of bed and said out loud “Chelsi is here to do things.” And I woke my husband up he said, “what do you mean she is here?” “No she is HERE in this life.” Knowing what I know as the perspective as Chelsi’s mom… we teach what we need to learn the most. I have no idea where it came from. She is here to do specific things, she has a contract she came in to learn specific lessons and she is deciding… we are throwing a monkey wrench into her path by throwing it judgment and fear of her addiction her homelessness. We are supposed to be loving her and observing. She contracted for a big painful lifetime. There might have been easier ways for her to do what she camehere to accomplish but she got to choose how these things to work itself out. At that point I started praying for Chelsea she be relieved of her pain and suffering whatever that looks like. I started connecting with her on more of a soul level. I started to just ALLOW in the highest way for her. That meant to let her go and travel this journey. I connected with her to say, “if you are here for anyone other than yourself, for me, please let that go. Your contract is for you and yourself.” When you open yourself up to those kinds of things. I am not saying my intensions brought her to a place of ending her life. My intentions allowed her didn’t hold her back any longer. Six months later when the police officers are standing at our door and the whole scene is playing out, I clearly came out of my body. The first two months I have tried to ground myself but not too much because it is so painful knowing I am here without her. So it doesn’t matter how much you know from a spiritual perspective when you are a mom.
More... listen to the recording for the remainder of this true conversation.